Do you ever go to the park and see two ducks thrashing around, flailing their wings, making loud noises and disturbing the peace of the rest of the pond community? This is like you and your Gumball guy fighting, although you may mistake it for passion.
Now picture the white swan on the other side of the pond, calmly gliding through the water, unbothered. She might look over at the dramatic ducks and think, “What the heck? How do they live like that?”. When this lady-swan sees another handsome man-swan who is calmly gliding through the water as well, they will recognize each other as peaceful beings that can come together and make that cute little heart shape with their necks, ya know what I’m saying?
The work we do in the Back To YOU Academy is to make the path smoother and clearer to get you to majestic swan status.
The thing is, this is a process. And you might feel overwhelmed just thinking about it because you may see other girls who are further along in their process. Maybe you haven’t even been on a date in 10 years and you’re scared to get back out there. You might feel embarrassed because you keep repeating the same bad behavior patterns and your friends don’t want to hear it any more. But I created the Academy as a safe space where you will be loved and accepted no matter where you are.
Even if you fall and go back to him, or you don’t feel ready to leave him yet, we will catch you every time. There’s even a process of leaving him when you’re still with him (don’t steal my book title lol). But I can tell you, if you’re listening to this podcast and following this content, you’re ready for change.
It’s important to know that your friends can’t help you, and you can’t fix past problems and traumas in your current relationship or in a new relationship. Your friends and your partner are not therapists. They care about you and want you to be happy, but they don’t know what to do.
It’s like if you were at the gym with your friend and you’re doing a workout and it’s really hurting you, you’re in a lot of pain and you don’t know why. You ask your friend and they say “I don’t know, maybe try this?” They’re not a certified trainer, they really don’t know!
Now you hire a personal trainer, they see you do that exercise and they say, “No no, do it THIS way. Your toe is too far over your knee, that’s why it hurts.” Now that you know the mistake, you tell your friend about it, and next time they see you doing it wrong they’ll say “Hey, your toe is too far over your knee again.”
It’s just like bad behavior patterns. You need to uncover traumas from your past, recognize the patterns in order to break them, and start making real changes in your life to heal. But you need a real professional and maybe even a group of welcoming, supportive women going through the same thing to help you do so.
If you try to heal your past hurts in your new or current relationship, like Jada and Will Smith tried to do, you will put so much pressure and strain on the relationship, it may even lead to cheating.
When you haven’t given yourself the time to heal and become whole, you’re coming into every new relationship starving for something. Likely for validation that you are worthy. So you accept the gumballs. The temporary fixes. But once the high goes away, you’re in the relationship feeling unsatisfied and you start seeking satisfaction elsewhere.
It’s like when you haven’t eaten all day, you’re starving, and you go to a restaurant. While you’re waiting for your main meal they give you bread, and the bread isn’t great but it seems great because you’re starving and you’ll eat anything at that point, so you eat all of it. Then your real meal comes, and you’re too full to eat the good meal, or you eat it so fast you can’t appreciate it. But if you had just kept yourself satisfied throughout the day, had some snacks, this wouldn’t have happened. If you had kept your soul satisfied, you wouldn't be starving for the validation from a man.
So in the Academy, we help to stop the craving for validation, by giving you the space to become whole where you no longer need a man to tell you you’re worthy. We stop the craving, but not the desire. This isn’t about shunning men and stopping dating forever. There’s still good men out there! We just have to become ready for them, to become swans, and they’re out there working on themselves and becoming swans too.
I want to drive home again, because it’s so important to know, that this is a process and it takes time. It’s not reality that you’ll break up with this guy and magically forget about him like a sociopath with no feelings. Let go of the idea that it should be this way or that way, that you should be over him, that there’s something wrong with you. We check all of that at the door in the Academy because it’s not helpful. Stop worrying about how long it will take to get over him or to break up with him.
It's like my mom says, you have to land the plane first. If all your friends are telling you, just break up with him, you deserve so much better! but you aren't ready to do so, it would feel like you're jumping out of a plane while it's still in the air with no parachute. You have to land the plane first, and then walk out.
When you put pressure on yourself that you should be further along than you are, you actually make the process longer by beating yourself up. Why SHOULD you be over him? You really cared about someone and you had some good times together.
So, my final words to you are, trust in the process, don’t beat yourself up while you’re down, don’t do this alone, and we’ll be here for you when you’re ready, no matter where you are in your journey. The next Back to You Academy starts July 14th.
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