We've all been there...you're texting back and forth with a guy, and the responses are pretty quick in the beginning, everything is exciting, you're getting the butterflies....and gradually, the responses get slower and slower to be returned (or, it's very sudden that he's taking so long to reply).
You start to freak out, thinking he's not interested in you, he's texting another girl, or whatever else our creative minds think up! Your natural response may be to scold him and educate him on how he should be responding, but I want you to consider a different approach.
In this episode, I walk you through the reasons why he may not be texting back right away, why you shouldn't freak out and start imagining worse case scenarios, why you should just wait it out, and what it looks like when you're texting a healthy guy.
In this episode, we're digging into gaslighting. If you haven't heard of gaslighting before, it's defined as:
"Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that's seen in abusive relationships. It's the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. A victim of gaslighting can be pushed so far that they question their own sanity."
If you've ever been in a situation where someone was accusing you of something that you really don't remember doing or saying, or they're totally exaggerating something you did or said and making you doubt your own judgement of reality, you're likely being gaslit.
It's a very unhealthy and damaging experience, because the more the abuser leads you to doubt yourself, the less confidence you have, the weaker you become, and the more susceptible you are to further gaslighting, and the cycle continues.
If you think you're experiencing this, you are not alone, and not all hope...
When you're in a new relationship or just starting to go on a few dates with a guy, do you ever feel like you're being evaluated against some checklist on a clipboard?
He says things like, "When you do that it reminds me of my ex, who cheated on me..." or "I have trust issues so I can't handle it when you...". Then you find yourself doing backflips and performing trying to prove that you won't hurt him like the last girl. Things will be different this time, I'm not like the other girls!!
But he's still skeptical. And the more energy you spend trying to prove yourself, the more you lose part of your identity, the more your self confidence weakens, and the more you fall under his control.
And the more dopamine hits he gets so he can feel soothed, comforted by the fact that you probably won't leave him like the last girl.
Welcome to the last episode in this "flavors of attention" series! We've covered each Gumball flavor/color that correlates to a type of attention addiction that...
Welcome back to this series, where we're talking about all the flavors of attention that the wrong guys want. They make us think that they're falling for us, but they're getting high off of attention and they're not actually building true and lasting connection.
I share this with you so you can understand how to filter unhealthy men and people out. So you don't waste your time on the people that are just taking from you, the people that are not really investing and focused on your life.
I've assigned each type of attention as a "flavor of attention" with all the different gumball flavors, and so far we've already covered red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple...and this episode is about pink!
I encourage you to listen to the episodes about the other ones first, the links are at the bottom!
When a guy wants the Pink Gumball type of attention, he's the one who always makes every conversation about him. You could say anything, and he'll always turn it back to...
"Work is so crazy right now, but we should meet up soon." -text from a guy, probably sitting on his couch, who wants the Purple Gumball
If you're new to Gumball Love, welcome! Gumball Love is a concept created to help women see the red flags of fake love, and be able to identify real, unconditional love.
Each flavor "Gumball" represents a type of attention that a person is seeking from you. They will give you a "quarter" so you give them a gumball, and then they get "high" off the attention, like a sugar rush. They may therefore act like they care for you and love you, but it's really just to get the kind of attention they want from you.
I've been doing a podcast series going into depth and detail about each flavor gumball, or each type of attention, so you can really start to see the nuances and get really good at spotting the guys who aren't seeking a real intimate connection. The links to previous episodes in the series are at the bottom, I suggest you start from the...
In the past few episodes, I've been going over the different gumball "flavors" or different types of attention that Gumball Guys crave so that you can start to watch out for the red flags.
The Red Gumball is all about sex, the Orange is all about stirring up drama, the Yellow wants you to constantly be entertaining him and keeping your attention on him, and now, we come to the Green Gumball guy: Green with Envy, Compete with Her for Me.
This is the guy who you'll be sitting with at your first or second date and he says, "I've gone on a few dates with this other girl, and I really thought she was it for me, but now that I've met you...I really like you too. I'm just not sure."
Just imagine, how do you feel in that moment?
You may feel the sudden urge to prove yourself worthy. Prove that YOU'RE the right choice, and start to compete with her. And that's exactly what gives him the high.
Or, you might be at a restaurant with him on a date, and he starts flirting with...
Does it feel like you always have to be entertaining your guy, or he's bored?
A while back I'd started a series assigning a different color or "flavor of attention" to each type of Gumball Guy.
I've already done an episode on the Red Gumball, which is the guy who is all about sex, and the Orange Gumball, which is the guy who wants the intense drama.
In this episode, I talk about the Yellow Gumball, which is the guy who wants you to entertain him or put all your attention on him. He's that guy who is like a giant fussy baby...always too hot, too cold, the music is too loud or not loud enough, he's tired, he's bored at the party asking how much longer you have to stay.
He's looking on his phone rather than paying attention to anyone around him, if the attention isn't on him he's uninterested.
All conversations tend to be about him or things he's interested in. So when it's something you're interested in, you feel like you have a limited amount of time that you can...
Are you confident in being able to distinguish between a good guy and a Gumball Guy on your own? How long does it take you to determine he's not the right one? After this podcast, you'll have a bloodhound nose for sniffing out the bad guys quickly just like me (I just got a puppy so my mind is SO on dogs!!).
If you've been following this podcast for a while, chances are by now you've come to terms with the fact that your ex was a Gumball Guy, or the guy you're dating now is a Gumball Guy (and if not, go back to the beginning!) :)
But now, as you enter back into the dating scene, you might find it difficult to trust your own judgement. You might have a hunch this guy is a Gumball Guy but you're second-guessing yourself. And the longer you are not sure and continue to feel him out, the more time you're wasting, and the more danger you're in of really falling for a Gumball Guy again.
I bet you're saying, "Melissa! I wish you could be sitting at the next table in a disguise...
The Gumball Love Podcast is registered to be nominated for the People's Choice Podcast Awards 2019. If you've benefited from the message of this podcast and would like more people to hear it, please head to the bottom of this blog post for information on how to nominate the podcast. I would appreciate it SO much!
You're dating a guy and things are going great. You're having fun, maybe you've met his family, it seems like things are getting really serious.
But then he does a complete 180. He goes cold, doesn't answer text messages. Or he says "I think we should just be friends."
You start thinking maybe you've done something wrong. You become obsessive, looking at old text message threads to see if it was something you've said.
But this is the Gumball Guy my friends. He was playing a part all...