Why you haven't found real love yet [Podcast episode 45]

Everyone on this earth is capable of finding real, lasting love, and everyone deserves it. But not everyone knows, REALLY knows and feels in their heart that they deserve it. 

This episode is for YOU if:

• You're always waiting for him to text you back
• You're constantly trying to mold and bend into what you think he wants you to be
• You have trouble relaxing on the date because you're worried about how you look or how you're coming off
• You always feel like you're putting way more effort into communication and plans than he is

You were born fully capable of sending and receiving real love. And somewhere along the way, the difference between real love and Gumball love (attention addiction) got lost. But it's not gone forever. Transformations happen, I see them every day in the women I coach one on one and in the Back to YOU Academy, and you can transform, too.

I'm fired up in this episode (again) but it comes from a place of love. I see your worth and value so clearly and I want you to see what I see. You are worthy and capable of sending and receiving REAL love, because it is your natural state.

In this episode, I will answer:

• What is the ONE THING that is keeping real love out of your life?
• How do you get back to the secure, authentic YOU?
• What does it look and feel like when you're accepting Gumball love instead of real love?
• What questions can you ask yourself in the dating phase to make sure you're on the right track for real love?
• What do you do when you realize you're on a date with a Gumball guy?
• When you're ending things with a Gumball guy, do you need to give him a reason?
• What will a date with "your person" look and feel like?

You can also download and subscribe to this podcast for free on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, Spotify, or listen on Youtube.

What is the ONE thing that is keeping real love out of your life?

What it all boils down to my friends, is that deep down, unconsciously, you do not believe that you deserve real love. You are not clear about who you are and what value you bring to the table in a relationship. And until you know this, you will never be able to relax on a date, or be able to tell who is a secure guy and who is a Gumball guy, and you'll always be waiting for the damn text back!

The good news is, you're not stuck this way forever. The real, authentic you is still in there and we can bring her out!

So how do you get back to the secure, authentic YOU?

In order to become secure and know who you are, you have to start with respecting and loving yourself. First and foremost, this means you do NOT accept flaky guys. EVER. Allowing these kids of guys to stay in your life sets your standards low and blocks real love from coming into your life.

 And what this reeeeally means is...I have to say it...you need to stop dating for a while. You keep trying to date when you're not secure, and that's how these low-vibe guys sneak through.

Love yourself enough to allow yourself the time and space to design your life. This is YOUR life! Take a step back and look and what's working and not working for you. What systems can you put in place to make your life easier? What hobbies have you always wanted to try?

If you are bored or lonely, a guy coming into your life will NOT fix that. You need to be coming into the dating scene excited about your life and knowing that you don't NEED anyone else to make you happy.

Are you accepting Gumball love instead of real love?

The short answer is if you're following my content, then yes. 

The longer answer is...you're dating the guy that's always "too busy". He's not consistent. He's hot and cold. Texting you all day one day, excited about making plans, and then he disappears. And you're waiting for him. It doesn't matter what excuse you've made for him in your head. You are people-pleasing because you don't yet respect yourself.

Do you REALLY want to MARRY a guy who doesn't follow through? If you're looking for a husband, you need someone solid. Who does what he says he'll do. 

And if you're over-analyzing his flakiness, re-reading the text message thread, obsessing over what you could have said or done differently to possibly change the situation, you're most definitely accepting Gumball love.

Questions to ask yourself in the dating phase

Again, PROMISE me you won't start dating again until you take some time off and spend time respecting and loving yourself. It's the only way.

But once you feel you may be ready to test the waters again, there will be moments where you still experience self-doubt. You may not trust yourself fully to make the call if this is the real thing.

So check in with yourself (because you love yourself!!!) and ask:

Is this a good investment of my time?

Do I feel good about where this is going?

Is he curious about me and am I curious about him?

Is it easy to get to know each other or does it feel challenging?

Is there an equal balance of give and receive in this relationship?

Is it feeling fun and exciting?

Do I feel relaxed and able to be myself?

Or..am I still feeling like I don't know if this guy likes me, and I'm not sure when we'll hang out again?

What do you do when you realize you're dating a Gumball guy?

If you answered no to the questions above, get outa there QUICK! We don't have time for gumball love.

You can call him out and give him a chance to respond, by simply saying, "You seem like you're not fully invested in this, what's going on?" but know that the Gumball guy will try to keep you around.

Really, you should just end it immediately. He showed his true colors, and we don't have time to wait around for him to do better next time. All you have to say is, "I'm looking for something different." or "It's not working for me." and then block him.

Not working for you is 100% enough to walk away. It sounds harsh, but this is what setting boundaries, and respecting and loving yourself looks like. You do NOT need to give him a reason or announce that he's doing something wrong. We're not looking to coach men on how to behave appropriately. 

What does real love look like?

The one that you meet, who ends up being the one, is just fun. You just go out, and hang out and talk, and you both want to talk to each other all the time.

There's no question, no hesitation, no disrespect for your time.

But you have to see your value first. If you don't see your value first, you're not going to be able to recognize when someone else is seeing your value. 

So, stop accepting Gumball love ladies. Keep your standards high. You're done letting low-level dudes in. Prepare your home, prepare your life to welcome love that makes your cup run over.

And if you aren't sure where to start or you want to join a group of ladies going through the same thing, who will understand and support you, book a one-on-one session with me or join my group coaching Back to YOU Academy. 

I've coached hundreds of girls just like you who came to me not knowing who they are, feeling hopeless and confused.

It is my absolute honor to guide you into finding your authentic self and the real love you deserve. It makes me so happy to catch up with Academy alumni and hear about their beautiful relationships.

Now it's your turn! What are you waiting for?! The new year is right around the corner, let 2020 be the year that you put yourself first and change your life.

Want more?

Join the Back to You Academy: Click here!

Work with Melissa

Need help stopping the cycle of toxic relationships, living happily single, and finding true love? If you're tired of being the only person in your friend group who's not in a healthy, happy relationship, I can help you! Here's how:

• The Level Up for Love one-on-one coaching package, which includes taking the Gumball Love Assessment and Relationship Analysis, four coaching sessions with Melissa and one coaching session with Iain and Melissa as a couple, or
  
• Join the VIP Private Facebook Group
• Follow Melissa on Instagram: @melissajaneroberts