How do you know if he's really falling in love? How do you know if the guy on the other side of the screen is really looking for true connection or if he's full of crap? In this episode, we're talking about how to know if the romance you're experiencing is really built to last for the long term or if it's just a temporary high that will leave and come back again for as long as you allow it.
This week, be mindful in noticing what inspires you. What gives you the full-body goosebump chills? What are the simple things that you just LOVE?
When you've been in Gumball Guy relationships and you've only thought about what they want and what they need, you lose who you are. After a relationship like that, finding a hobby feels like a daunting task. In reality, we don't have a lot of time for full-blown hobbies. I don't want you to think you need to take up all these extracurricular activities, that's not what this is about.
It's really about figuring out those small things that put together the bigger picture that is the picture of YOU. This way, when you're on a date with a guy, you can confidently show up knowing what you like and don't like, instead of being wishy-washy and feeling like you need to be whatever you think he likes.
For me, things that inspire me can be as simple as going into a bookstore. I just love the vibe, the smell, the mood of a bookstore. Maybe you feel inspired at a pumpkin patch? There's a reason you're getting that feeling, and you need to investigate it, go down that road.
Notice what inspires you and then ask someone else if they feel the same way. This way you can start to see how you are different (aka, unique!) from others.
If you've been following me for a long time you know, I love the research of the Gottman Institute. They've been researching couples for 30 years and they've identified patterns that show what works and when a relationship is headed for trouble. There's no tricks, no games, just pure science-based research.
So of course I went straight to the research when contemplating this question- how do you know if this is the real thing or if he's full of it?
I found this article by Stacy Hubbard, a certified Gottman therapist. The article looks at research which investigates whether online dating sites are actually helpful and effective at finding you a good match.
The researcher proposes that, "What is more important than finding someone just like you, or who compliments you, is to find someone “with a personality that is conducive to relationships…someone who has relationship aptitude.”
So, we're not looking for, "do they like everything I like? are they just like me?" but rather, looking for someone who has the ability to develop and sustain intimacy and trust, someone who is able to securely attach to others...this is relationship aptitude.
The only way to know if someone has high relationship aptitude is to meet them in person. An online dating algorithm can only get you so far as to meet a potential partner that you may have not met otherwise.
Now it's up to YOU to meet heart to heart, face to face. The article suggests you should spend no longer than a week or two at most talking virtually.
Gumball Guys love the romance. It's the intense attention, the adoration, like, "I think you're so great, you're so amazing." The "schmoopy schmoopy" as I like to call it.
The Gumball Guy doesn't want to put in the real work that it takes to sustain a healthy relationship. We get caught up with them because mixed in with all the low-effort things like leaving a comment on your Instagram, occasionally he'll say or do really romantic things and then we think, "there's hope!"
But this is just him putting in the quarter to get a Gumball. To keep you around to continue getting that attention and validation he craves. And this is the total opposite of relationship aptitude.
There's a deprogramming you have to do after being in a relationship with a Gumball Guy to learn what real relationships look like. When you're insecure and starving, you need the intense highs. Those moments where it just feels "so right"!
But with intense highs come intense falls. The Gumball Guy can't stay consistent, he can't keep up the intense romance over time. And all he REALLY wants is your attention, not a real connection with you. And when you're together for the long haul, REAL life stuff is going to happen. That means losing jobs, deaths in the family, etc. So you're looking for someone who can truly be present with you in those moments and not someone who's going to be mad that you're not giving them attention.
If you've been dating GG's, healthy dating will feel really boring to you. A healthy dating phase might look like going for a bike ride, lunch in the park, hanging out with friends, etc. It's not those fairy tale romantic scenes you see in the movies or on The Bachelor.
Can handle disagreement
If it's real, they'll be able to handle you disagreeing with them, handle you not liking the music they like, etc. They won't be trying to change you or making you feel dumb or bad. If you guys aren't connecting, then you'll be able to walk away from it as two happy individuals, not cling onto it.
Can securely attach to other people in their life
They'll want to introduce you to the people in their life because those relationships are important to them. Notice how they are around family members and other friends. Listen to how they manage those relationships. Look for if they are always blaming others, using people, lying to people, or if their family members are overly involved in their lives (are they a mama's boy? because he'll be looking to make you his new mama!).
You won't be able to find a secure, high relationship aptitude guy if you are insecure yourself. It starts with finding who you are as an individual and loving and respecting yourself enough to say no to the Gumball Guys.
We're fed the fairy tale that the man of our dreams will show up and break down our walls for us. But he can't do that. He didn't build those walls. It's up to you to figure out how they got there in the first place and to break them down yourself.
I have the entire roadmap for this process of learning why you attract the Gumball Guys in the first place, then figuring out who you are, then healing and blossoming so that you are confident and ready for REAL love.
And now, we have a new membership structure so it's easier and cheaper than ever for you to get the support you need, right now. Click the link below to stop wasting time with Gumball Guys, to learn who you are, and go into 2020 feeling confident and supported!
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