Sometimes we'd do more to help our friends than we do to help ourselves. We have the best intentions and think we're helping her get over this jerk guy she's dating, but sometimes we're actually making the process longer for her.
This episode will teach you how to compassionately help your friend (or your daughter, or your mom, whoever!) through this tough time, and might even show you how you can be more compassionate to yourself. I have for you 23 tips and questions to ask that I personally use when I'm coaching my girls, to help her see for herself that he is a jerk. You'll find out why telling her to leave him is NOT effective.
"The goal of the conversation is never to get her to break up with him. Ever." -Melissa Leger, dating expert and creator of Gumball Love
Book a doctors appointment. Whether it be the OBGYN, a regular physical, the dentist, etc. Get the health check up.
When we've been through bad relationships and ignored ourselves, the first thing I tell the girls I coach is to check your physical health. If you're having a pain you've ignored- check it out. Get reassurance and peace of mind or catch something so you can do something about it.
1. Don't say "you need to leave him"
It's not realistic. It's not a one-day decision. Even if he cheated on her, she still has all the love for him, so telling her to leave him isn't helpful or productive. Instead, ask her what information she has. What does she know, what happened.
2. Understand she needs to "land the airplane"
Up until now, she was at a cruising altitude. There may have been some turbulence along the way, but she's still way up there feeling all the love for him. If she were to just abruptly leave him right now, it would feel like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. She needs to land the airplane and step off the plane.
3. Do not expect her to make a fast change
We might think it's helping to tell her to stop texting him immediately, move out of the apartment immediately, stop thinking about him, start dating other guys. It might be so clear and obvious from our outside perspective, but to her it's a very confusing time. The last thing she needs to feel is ashamed and judged for not taking quick action.
4. Understand this is a process.
Just because we're able to look back and see the red flags now and we're putting together the pieces, doesn't mean it changes her heart or the grieving process. She may intellectually understand he is a jerk but her heart hasn't caught up yet and still has to mourn this loss. She might say she feels really good one day and say she's over it and be making a lot of rational sense, and then the next day feel like total crap again. Stick with her.
5. Don't say things like, "Why did you let him do this to you?" or "Why do you stay with him?" or "I just can't believe you can stay with him!."
You might look at a girl in the Gumball Love VIP Facebook group and think, wow, how can she text a guy like that? It's just where she is right now. When you know better, you do better. Sometimes you just don't know. You have to start somewhere. Don't shame her. Just listen without judgement and remove the shame.
6. Ask her how she feels in the bad times.
Continue to ask her, "What's going on right now?" For example she'll say well I found the text from another girl in his phone and confronted him about it and he denied that anything is going on. Even if you think the story sounds like BS, it won't help HER see it. SHE has to see it for herself. So ask her, "How do you feel about the story? What is your instinct?" Give her a chance to work through it. Do less of the talking and more of the listening so she can hear herself think through it. You're helping her think out loud. You telling her what you see doesn't help her.
To hear the rest of the tips, tune into the above episode!
I hear people all the time tell me, "Melissa! my friend needs you!" And I always ask, "Does SHE think she needs me?" I can't help her if she's not ready for me. But remember, you can be the person to give her the freedom and the time to breath and become ready for me.
You can also be that person for yourself. Show yourself compassion and allow yourself to heal.
You don't have to do it alone! This is why I created the Back to YOU Academy, an online course and group coaching program where we work through all this stuff, at your own pace. I get to know you one-on-one so that I can help you with your specific story, while you also get to meet with a supportive group of girls weekly and learn from their stories too.
Join the Back to You Academy: Click here!
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