Are you Emotionally Unavailable?

OMG!  The response to Dr. Debbie’s podcast was crazy.  People were mad, triggered, freed, confused, liberated and everything in between. 

I wasn’t expecting this at all.  I was one of the ones that felt freed.  If you read my previous blog post, it was the moment I realized I had signed the subconscious contract with my mother.

But the shocker was: This contract makes me emotionally unavailable!!   What??? (ok we will dig in to this in a little bit but first…

This does NOT mean I have to break up with my Mom.   In fact, my mom listened to the podcast and we had an amazing conversation.    Now when I talk to my mom, I know the topics that are off limits.  I know what tweaks I have to make.  Do I catch myself in old habits? Sure… but….

It’s about the shifting the balance and it’s not an overnight change!

So many people I coached the following week felt pressure to make all of these big changes.   They felt like this was their issue and felt paralyzed trying to fix it.  But if you go back and listen, Dr. Debbie says… 

It’s the small changes.  The little tweaks that can make the difference. 

If Mom or Dad are complaining they don’t see you enough and it makes them sad, it’s not your responsibility to make them happy.    The immediate boundary you can make is just how you process it mentally.  

You say to yourself, “This is not my problem to solve.  Mom/Dad need to figure out how to fill this void on their own.   Helping him/her only makes them weaker and keeps me from being able to connect to my significant other.”

I know a lot of people will get this around the holidays.  “I wish you were around more, we never get to see you.”   The old me would feel defensive with this question.  Now I realize this comes from a place they have not worked to fill on their own. 

I believe the pressure of needing to respond seeking approval.  If we meet their need, they are happy and approve of us.   If we don’t respond the way they like we risk rejection.

This is a huge point we need to really see.  When someone rejects you because you don’t meet their needs, it’s because you respected and loved yourself first.   

WE HAVE to get comfortable doing this.  If we don’t we naturally attract those who also do not prioritize our needs.  HELLOOOO!!

This is also what she was talking about when she said we become emotionally unavailable.    You are too busy meeting someone else’s needs and getting their approval, you are not available for someone willing to meet yours.

HOLD THE PHONE.  DROP THE MIC.  W.T.F. 

If you are too busy meeting someone else’s needs…. EVEN ON THE UNCONSCIOUS LEVEL…you are not available to someone willing to meet YOUR NEEDS.

I used the example in the podcast of keeping your eyes on the road to stay on your journey.   If we put Mom/Dad in the back seat and we are always looking back…essentially, we are tethered to them.  

What I LOVE about Dr. Debbie’s message is that even slight changes can tip the scale.   You can really open the door for your future husband just by keeping this in mind and making gradual changes over time.   

The pay off after doing the work… is in this amazing list. 

Signs you are no longer a dissatisfied single

Excerpt from the book, “The Good One’s Aren’t All Taken.”

1. After agreeing to a date on Saturday night, you don’t spend the week worrying about it or dreading it. (because you aren’t trying to gain their approval)
2. When he asks, Do you want Mexican or Thai food, you don’t feel like you have to let him choose.
3. When you get back from a date you don’t speed dial your girlfriend to vent about the date or go on and on about how perfect the guy is. #Goals LOL
4. You actually enjoy dating and meeting men and find most of the guys you date attractive and like-able but you don’t start fantasizing about the wedding you and he will have.
5. A bad date or a break up doesn’t send you into a tail spin of self-doubt.
6. If he doesn’t call you don’t fall in to self-pity or self-loathing, you take in stride.
7. When you hear the negative chatter in your mind, “He didn’t like me, he probably thought I was fat” you’ll recognize it for the brain blip it is and laugh it off.
8. It’s been a really long time since you thought about your ex. You remember the good times once in a while and feel a little winsome or nostalgic and nothing more.
9. You maintain clear boundaries with your family, friends, coworkers and lovers, you don’t feel guilty about saying no or asking to have your needs met.
10. You are aware of your feelings and instead of being scared by their intensity, you allow yourself to experience them fully, knowing that this to, shall pass.
11. You walk away from a guy who has problems before you get emotionally involved. Instead of paying the tab, making excuses for him and hoping for the best.
12. You are comfortable with who you are and you genuinely like yourself.

In Summary:

This is hard, it takes time and it’s a process.  If you want help, support and sisterhood as you navigate this journey, join the BACK TO YOU Academy!!

We have group coaching calls every week, a library of audios, and one-on-one coaching with me.   I want to provide you everything you need to heal, gain strength and become the REAL YOU that is just underneath the surface.

I can’t wait to hear from you and work with you.  

Until next time… see you soon! 

Xoxo 

Melissa