Why do we date the wrong guy over and over again? I've covered a lot in the past about why the bad guys (the Gumball Guys) act the way they do, but it's time to talk about YOU. There's two people involved in these relationships and you're one of them, so what's your part in all of this?
In this podcast episode I will cover 9 reasons why you might be caught in this pattern of always dating bad guys (even when you've spent time in therapy!). By the end of this episode you will have the questions to ask yourself in order to really become self-aware about your behavioral patterns and where they came from. You'll also know how joining the Back to YOU Academy can help you go even deeper on finding the root cause of these behaviors and how to truly heal.
1. Block Him
If you've not been able to get over your ex, or if there's a guy you've been talking to who has been on and off with texting you or hanging out with you, I challenge you to block him for two days. Just start with two days. Give yourself the space to remove him from your thoughts. Block his number, block him on all social media, so that you can't check up on him and you're not waiting for him to message you.
In the time that you'd normally spend re-reading your message thread or stalking him online, do something for you. Go for a walk. Read a book. Get a facial. And put your phone away! Journal about how you feel during this time, whether it's positive or negative, and don't judge yourself for how you feel.
This is also how I work with you in 1-1 coaching and in the Back to YOU Academy. I never expect you to make huge changes day one. We go at the pace that is comfortable for you!
2. Declutter your space
This week I want you to light a candle, play some music, and declutter your space. Clean out your closet. Marie Kondo your space! As the weather gets chillier, we're going to be spending more time inside, so it's the perfect time to make your space a relaxing one to be in for the long cold months. Especially if you're going through break up, or going through a funk, decluttering can make you feel like you're a new woman!
1. You might be with the wrong therapist
If you've been seeing a therapist for a while and you still haven't had any "aha" moments, it's time to really take a look at your therapist and determine if it's time to find a new one. It might just not be good fit. Your therapist should be challenging you- that's where you'll grow.
Therapy is important because it's where you work on the childhood stuff that is affecting our relationships today. Make sure you're able to get what you need from them- ask them directly, how can you help me? Can you give examples of previous clients you've had and how you helped them?
2. Father relationships and relationships with other men in our lives
It's not a new concept, "daddy issues". But have you ever stopped and REALLY analyzed your relationship with your father and thought about how it's impacting your behavior and relationships with other men? Not even just romantic relationships with men, but other men in our lives like bosses, coworkers, doctors, anyone!
Some of us have had completely absent fathers. Some of us grew up with our father's physically around, but they were not emotionally there. And some of us grew up with fathers who were physically, emotionally or sexually abusive.
This is the type of treatment we've become used to, and what we are comfortable with. We've learned a skillset of tactics to deal with these type of men. We've learned how to SURVIVE and cope. To the point where we likely don't even notice we're using these tactics.
We have to become self-aware enough to know how we learned to love from our relationship with our father, what coping mechanisms we developed to survive in that situation, and when we're using those skillsets with other men in our lives.
3. We attract what we want to fix in our father relationships
We have the fairytale image of the perfect father-daughter relationship we're always trying to strive for, and in reality our father is not really capable of that, so we're always left feeling rejected.
We cannot change their behavior. We can't fix them. We have to observe their behavior and then draw boundaries with the men in our lives who are not able to meet the high standards we deserve.
We're entertaining Gumball people because we think SOMEDAY we can fix them and they will love us in the way we've always dreamed our father would.
4. We don't know who we are
We haven't taken the time to explore- who am I? What do I like? What do I love to do? Where do I want to be? The first thing I ask you to do in the Back to YOU Academy is to create a Pinterest page of your personal brand. You create a board of all the things you love. Animals, your favorite colors, home design, etc. Start noticing your style. Your preferences. Foods. Think about the flavors you enjoy! Sometimes we go through life and just eat what the other people are eating, or drink because other people are drinking when we don't even want to!
If we don't know who we are, we don't know what type of men we like. If we know who we are, we know what's not going to work with us.
5. We don't know what value we have to offer
After being with Gumball Guys who only take and never give, and who cannot recognize the value others bring, we start to doubt our own value. If we don't know who we are like in point number 4, we also don't know what we have to offer in a relationship.
We can't be around people who don't value us on a consistent basis. Notice when you're on a date with a guy and you're trying to prove yourself. If you're trying to prove yourself, you're with the wrong guy, and you're not comfortable with yourself because you don't know who you are or your value.
6. We're looking for men everywhere, all the time
Are you always looking for men? Stop LOOKING and start LIVING.
You go to a wedding and think "maybe I'll meet a guy." You go into Starbucks and think "maybe I'll meet a guy". Stop saying maybe I'll meet a guy! You need to be living your life. You need to be so excited about what you do everyday. When we're worried about finding a guy all the time, it breeds desperation which lowers our standards. We start to get fatigued. We make bad choices that are beneath our standards and forget what our standards even are.
7. We're accepting and allowing these guys to disrespect us
We allow guys who text us for weeks and never take us on dates to keep doing so. It's not our job to wait for this guy to be ready. It's not our problem that he has walls up because of his ex. We're not going to make excuses for this guy. This is where we close the door.
8. You're not over your ex
The one you settled for in the past is too recent. You're still thinking about him, hooking up with him, stalking him, texting him.
A healthy person can see your insecurity. You can't hide it. There's no way to mask it. If you're not over someone, you've not done the work to get over it, you're still processing the insecurities. You haven't blocked him yet. We're attracting the wrong guy because you're out there trying to find the guy who will help you get over it, who will make you happy and secure. You have to respect yourself enough to give yourself the time to heal.
9. Dating the attention-seeker has made YOU addicted to attention
You've settled for minimum, looking for attention rather than connection.
We're taking any attention he gives us vs. holding out for real connection. We become addicted to the validation he gives us. We get such intense validation from a Gumball Guy and then it drops off so dramatically. You've become accustomed to getting gumballs instead of real love. We don't even know what real love is supposed to look like!
Are you ready to join the Back to YOU Academy? In the Academy, you'll get 1 hour of private coaching with Melissa, four group coaching calls, lifetime access to all audio content, and you'll be welcomed into a new family of strong supportive women who understand what you're going through and won't judge you. The academy is designed to take you from heartbreak to feeling confident and comfortable in your own skin, feeling healed and ready for the next relationship.
Join the Back to You Academy: Click here!
Book a one-on-one session with me for ultimate clarity
Join the Private VIP Facebook Group
Follow me on Instagram: @themelissaleger
Email me: [email protected]