First Name/Fake Name:

Elle

How did you meet?

He messaged me on Facebook. We had some mutual friends. He sent, “You look familiar...”. I knew that wasn’t true but thought he was attractive and engaged.

How long have you known him?

3 years

Relationship status

Going through break-up

What made you fall for him?

His adoration and respect for me. He made me feel beautiful and valuable and as if I made him feel the same. He is so incredibly handsome but, to be honest, wasn’t my “type”. My love grew with time (though not much).

What’s the whole story?

His mother abandoned him and his brother for drugs and alcohol. Before they were abandoned, they were physically and emotionally abused by this woman. I think his inner child is screaming for a woman to love and comfort him and he is scared to let go of his grip, fearing the possibility of separation (abandonment) again. Why do I stay? Well, I am a codependent people pleaser and I do love him. He sneakily has set up this situation where I continually strive to be a “good woman”. You see, he knows I don’t like to disappoint and want to be an honorable partner so by saying I’m not, I will do everything in my power to be. Does that make sense?

What were the red flags?

The same things that hooked me. His adoration and attentiveness have also been considered “controlling” by my counselor. In the beginning, he mimicked things I said were important to me including values, traits, goals, etc... He said he loved me within 3 months of MEETING and claimed we were twin flames. After 6 months, he threatened to kill himself when a fight nearly caused a break up (this threat will follow us around for the next 3 years!). He talked badly about all of his exes. He nonchalantly bragged about having nice things (insinuating he had money) but had terrible credit and hopped job to job.

First Name/Fake Name:

Kelly

How did you meet?

Online dating website

How long have you known him?

More than 10 years

Relationship status

Single – dating

 What made you fall for him?

He was 10 years younger than me and built like a Mac Truck and handsome.

What’s the whole story?

He messaged me on the dating website but he had no pic posted. I told him I didn't usually date men as young as he was, (36) and I was (47) but he said age had never been a factor to him. We talked, and texted and met at a bookstore for our first meeting. Public place but quiet. After that we saw each other sporadically but noticed he would beg off of dates for Saturday night and after a few times I called him on it. He said he liked me more than he thought he would and to just bear with him, that there was a girl that wouldn't leave him alone and he was trying to get rid of her. So we dated infrequently. I also had a job that was demanding so him saying the same thing didn't seem odd. But I had suspicions he was not being faithful after a couple of years and he was saying he loved me by then. I just couldn't put my finger on what was going on. He had no family here at that time. I knew he had been married briefly years earlier, no kids. I think being that his parents were immigrants and very gentle people, they really had no control over him as a teenager and young man. He must have been hell on wheels. Lots of drinking and drugs but he eventually got out of that. But he never was putting in the effort of a boyfriend. I would invite him to company parties and he came, probably knowing there wouldn't be a chance of running into women that knew him. But he never took me to any of his company parties. He said because he didn't want anyone knowing his business. Any family function he came to he didn't stay long. Even though he was on no social media if I googled him he was all over that like a rash. I'm surprised he never thought I would see any of it. Even though we didn't have sex every time we were together he was very cuddly and affectionate. If I wanted sex I would practically have to make the move myself every time. I found it odd that if he hadn't seen me (his girlfriend) for weeks he would be all over me. I would purposely try to wait and see how long it would take for him to ask to see me but after a few weeks or even longer, I would cave and suggest a date. A few years ago when I would ask him why he didn't see how much time was going by between us seeing each other he would say he felt like there was something physically wrong with him because he couldn't keep track of the time. Good one. Anyway within the last few months I've seen definitive proof mostly online that he's seeing or has seen other women probably always has been. At first I was mad. But hearing Melissa's podcast about why am I chasing a man who isn't putting in any effort, made me see what the issue is. He goes from woman to woman for the attention (and probably to prove he can still attract women at 50yrs old). And Melissa says because he isn't capable of having a real relationship so he's the gumball guy, he runs before it gets serious. So I'm not so much angry about that because I know that's in his being for whatever reason. His parents have been married probably 50 years, and he's very proud of that and they are lovely people so I don't know where his problem stems from. I am however angry that I've been lied to. I know on some level he loves me but I can't have him sleeping with other women and me. It's not safe. So I thank Melissa for finally making sense of what is going on.

What were the red flags?

Never had much time for me, didn't go out much, not on any social media, pretty secretive.